Because it’s only 10:23am on a Monday morning. And twice in the last half hour you have successfully implied that I am the Fuck-up; which was worse than the last time.
All I wanted was for you not to worry. And it worked because it now resonates in me and worrying has become the pit of my metal being.
I stared at the same spot of the two green dots on the wall for that hour as you went at it. taking it all in, each sharp edged word you used against me, and breathing just how he taught me because he said breathing works better than swallowing those little white pills.
And maybe one day I won’t have to order decaf. And maybe one day I don’t have to use my brown paper lunch bag to help me breathe. And maybe one day I wouldn’t have to hide the fact that I can’t handle it because I’d be strong enough next time.
But now it’s 10:55 and I felt the wind slap my back as you slammed the door. And if I was that same person 6 years ago I would have walked straight into that bathroom and took each sharp edged word you used against me,
But I’m better than that now. And because your words have brought me to this place so often, you helped me get to this level. So thanks I guess. I’m trying.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald (via splitterherzen)
— Unknown (via heurin)
I don’t know how I got to be
Imagine if we lived in a world where you could see the exact date when everyone is going to die except for yourself
And then one day people start acting nice to you. Like, really nice.
write a book
"What we fear the most has already happened to us."
An ambulance drove through my street once. On the 11th of February. 2014. My calendar said Tuesday, and my clock read 10:02. it stopped. Just a few houses from my driveway. The sirens were loud but my hallways went silent. The ringing left my ears, and I shut my eyes when the red lights smeared over my window.
I stared at my mother, and she stared ahead. And we both knew why. And we both stayed silent. And we both didn’t bother to look out the window. We didn’t say a word. Just stared.
I remember an ambulance drove through my street once. On the 31st of July. 2012. My calendar said Tuesday, and my clock read 11:34. it stopped. Just a few feet from my driveway. The sirens were loud but my mind went silent. The ringing never left my ears, and I shut my eyes when the red lights smeared over my palms when they drove off with my father.
I stared at my mother and she stared ahead. And we both knew why.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who have had enough and those who will never have enough. And often times, we are selfish to find both in ourselves.
Just like myself.
I’ve etched lines of life out of my wrists at 10:24 swearing that there’s nothing I wanted more; finding that by 11:45 my palms were merely aching for a future, just to be held by someone I had yet to find.
We tested God the day man noticed how the shadows fell each morning, and stretched across the fields when the sun kissed the horizon. We learned to cringe at how glacially the minutes seem to pass on our way to see our lover, and curse at how quickly the hours move when we finally met.
We were instilled with this misconception that God allotted us 24 hours each day. 1,440 minutes. 86,400 seconds…
But, Time is a creation of man and man alone.
The earth travels around the sun in an orbit: a circle; the most infinite shape deemed to be. But just like me, only man can etch lines into this orbit and make a circle finite. We call it a clock.
But, don’t panic when the sun begins to set, notice it’s beauty instead. Listen to the rhythm in the drips of a water clock, don’t run to beat it’s flow. Your goals don’t have to be accomplished when the earth is three-hundred and fifty-nine degrees into it’s orbit; however, use that one degree to breathe.
There are two kinds of people in this world but don’t fret to be one of them. For life is not measured by the number if breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I’ve always found a strong resentment in each of my past (somewhat and almost) relationships.
Upon reading Kathy Fox’s, “6 Lessons in the 6 ‘Almost Lovers’ I Had,” (http://thoughtcatalog.com/kathy-fox/2014/01/6-lessons-in-the-6-almost-lovers-ive-had/) I was inspired, &my perspective changed. I found it almost necessary to put each one of my past relationships on a pedestal and pay them tribute for the many lessons they’ve taught me. Each of them have such a significant lesson and story and I encourage you to find that kind of enlightenment in your pasts.
I’ve never done anything like this, or wrote anyhing this long.. but I hope you take the time to read it and enjoy it nonetheless.
Disclaimer: These are my honest thoughts, and each experience and person stated is real.
To my 6 pasts: Thank you.
He was the luckiest of the bunch. He held a part of me in which no other man after him will ever get to hold in his possession: an un-scathed heart. There’s no others before him to be compared to. He experienced the happiest of me; no past, just “us” in the making. He was the first.
We were both ignorant. Both learning. Both confused as hell. And we never got it right. But one thing I hold true: he was the first boy, ever, that I saw different from the others. He made me happy. We talked. We laughed. We connected. I liked him. The first boy worthy enough for me to call my own for the first time. He knew how to make me smile, and his simplicity made my heart skip; I truly adored his effort. But we were so young. We didn’t know anything. We didn’t know how to care for each other the way lovers should…
And that’s how it ended. Just like that. Me with a newly scathed heart. Maybe the first isn’t always so fortunate, but he most definitely taught me that the best kind of love is one that is unconditional. We had that, because, well frankly, he had no prior conditions. Until after.
The thought of number 2 (Currently containing my laughter for many inexplicable reasons) a totally experimental type-love (for lack of better definitions thereof.) We held on to a string of reciprocity. We both wanted someone, and the first sight of interest in each other quickly filled that void. We were nowhere near each other’s type, but the idea intrigued us both. Our common ground was strictly silence and adolescent intimacy; (in reflection to our very first encounter, we woke up in each other’s arms the morning after. No, nothing happened, and no, we were not intoxicated.) but that’s how it all started. Intimacy. like I said. We were experimental. But that’s all we knew.
And in no time, we realized we weren’t for each other. And this ended too. But, he showed me the importance of that crucial distinction between a boyfriend and a friend, that of which my last relationship lacked: Intimacy.
I found myself confident to call myself.. “experienced” to say the least. (I still haven’t even gotten my first kiss for that matter lol, so absurdly naive) But after 2 boyfriends and unsuccessful flings here and there, I could have sworn that I knew what I was doing. I let him in; but to my blind satisfaction, he was wrong for me in every way; which is why I let him in. Guys like him didn’t notice girls like me. It was mysterious, and new and rebellious and I wanted him and he (supposedly) wanted me back.
I swooned over his words, melted at each cadence they stroked me with. He was perfect. And he liked.. Me. I professed my feelings. I fell hard…. Only to find that his words were recycled…..
With many…many, other girls.
Not only was my heart just scathed, it was shattered into a million pieces. He had no idea. I was left.. Humiliated.. Exposed. I felt as if he stripped me of everything.. My thoughts and my being were naked as I knelt in tears, shaken with agony as I picked up each razor blade piece of what I called my heart.
My heart was stone after him. I became a misandrist. But more so, I hated myself. I was not worthy enough to out stand the others; but to simply be some sort of minion to satisfy. Though negative, he taught me how to keep my guard up.
He was an older boy who belonged to a different, well-known crowd. I’d only known him because I idolized his film-work and his poetry. his creativity inspired me, (it still does as a matter of fact). I hadn’t a clue if he knew of my existence, but I was an admirer nonetheless. My interests and his slowly began to divert our paths together, eventually colliding.
"Strictly business," is how it all started. I, an admirer, was asked to be a part of his work; An offer I could not refuse. I was asked to play the role of his lover. This "strictly business" plan, however, turned into something more. We didn’t have to act as lovers anymore, because we conceded to be just that.
I adored him and he made me feel so beautiful. He respected me. He wrote me poems, he enjoyed hearing me speak, he wanted to dissect my every thought to figure me out, and I loved being admired by him. He was every bit of a romantic as every girl could imagine and desire in some fantasy, and I had all that in him.
But.. A sudden thought came to me as if I was caught on a train track the moment it’s breaks had failed. “it’s happening again.” I told myself. My guard, in which I totally unattended to, sky-rocketed back up. “Popular guys like him don’t fall for girls like me.” I shuddered at the whole thought of his sweet words, and romantic gestures. I was disgusted in myself for letting someone in again. Especially someone like him. I didn’t fit into his world, and I was childish for even believing I would be accepted into it. “This isn’t real” I told myself. I made every attempt to impede the relationship and ended it in a letter with no true explanation.
And that was that. He never asked any questions. We were strangers. I sat alone one day in the same spot in which I shared my life story to him, realizing that….it was all real. I sought to make amends but realized that I had created a misogynist. He wanted nothing to do with me. In my own selfish effort to “prevent” what had happen to me in the past, became his present.
My apologies were left subliminal, my efforts to know how he was doing never ceased. He taught me to never look back with someone you love.. To look forward because not all guys are the same.
I never came to terms with my last encounter, but when the next opportunity came, I welcomed it, though my heart wasn’t truly in it.
It all started as a spark of.. What romantics would call “fate,” but maybe more of a coincidence. It was in the beginning of the summer. I was on my way to summer classes, only to find out that I was put on a waiting-list. My summer eventually opened up. Long story short, If I was never wait-listed, I never would have met him.
But I did, and I let him in. He was another guy who wasn’t my type; popular. I ignored that this time. He was also trouble, or so I’ve heard. I ignored that too. ignored it all. No mistakes this time. I was going to let him in completely forgetting about all the ones in my past.
In this new relationship, I wasn’t completely myself. I tried to be everything he wanted me to be; cool, gorgeous, fun, fearless, sexy.. But I wasn’t any of that to be honest. I was a total fake. But, What made it so easy for me to pretend was that he was out of state for the summer. Our communication was strictly virtual. We had known of each other before through mutual friends, but we hadn’t ever physically met. We would await our first meeting when he arrived at the end of summer.. The strong irony was that I knew that would never happen.
A new challenge arose. My insecurities. I wasn’t considering my past, but I considered his. He dated… Beautiful, gorgeous girls. He has never seen me in person, and it was easy to make myself look pretty in pictures… But I was never anything compared to the girls in his past. The closer he was getting to coming home, the more afraid I got of my true self.
I once again, made every effort to end this. And I did. Because of the fear of me not being the girl he expected me to be, I told him I didn’t have any feelings for him anymore, even when I did. I knew that would be the only way for him to stay away. It sort of worked… But, My guilt and shame are present ‘til this day. He taught me a truth that that always goes unheard; No one can love you if you don’t love yourself first.
He was my best friend; that being an understatement. He knew me inside out. I knew I was in love with him from the beginning, even through several of my past relationships.. He was the one person I ached to share my heart with… but his friendship was much too precious to me to be tampered with. And I was okay with that. But I loved him.
We seldom ever saw each other in person due to different schools and lack of transportation. But, Communication was never an issue. We’d talk on the phone from morning to night, never running out of things to say. I planned to visit him over the summer. This was the first time I saw him in a year.
I arrived and he nearly ambushed me with a hug, spun me around, and kissed me on the cheek. I never thought much of it; just friendly, even though I wished it were more.
We then started our day. His friends were over, We brought out a few drinks and had a good time. Nothing too crazy, but the alcohol brought out some honesty. He held me more, kissed me on the cheek more.
I never really noticed how physically attractive he was until that moment. I never even considered his looks, but it made me think even more. I considered a lot of possibilities between us but immediately shut them out. This friendship was too valuable and he probably doesn’t feel the same.
He startled me after that moment with a few words, “let’s take a walk outside,” I met him, a bit dizzy by all my thoughts and the alcohol but fully aware and conscious, just as much as he.
We sat on the curb. He asked to hold my hand. It was all abrupt, “Why aren’t we together?” I paused wasn’t expecting that he felt something for me. Why weren’t we together? He’s perfect for me… I wondered and my automatic response taking over the better of me, “I don’t want to ruin the friendship.” He looked down still holding my hand, “just know that I’ll chose you over any girl.”
I didn’t know how he would possibly want to be with me. He was popular. He dated beautiful girls.. He knew me, my secrets my flaws.. He even knew the type of horrible lover I was, considering that he was always the first one in which I called to seek comfort, after the last three failed relationships.
We went back into his house, downed a few more drinks but not enough to be completely unaware. He continued to shoot me friendly kisses on the cheek moving closer to my lips. Everything I said on the sidewalk was shot to hell the moment I moved in and allowed him to kiss me on the lips. “Your first kiss,” He said.
It was my first kiss and I allowed him that honor. He deserved it. The boy I secretly loved all this time wants me, too.
We started our new relationship together; I continued to make an effort to see him the following weeks after. We were in pure bliss. I had that man who knew me, and now I can be intimate with him. my best friend and my lover, we had it all. nothing was more perfect than what we had….
At least for a while.
Things began to change.. We talked less. And I noticed. As much as it pained me to admit, it might have been better just to have stated friends. Because now we were less than that.
It wasn’t working.
I considered the possibility of him being my best friend all this time, was only due to some effort to win me over; not because he wanted to be my friend. But I didn’t want to think so low of him. I thought too that maybe I’ve been holding him back… I decided to let him go.
I’ll never forget that pain; he understood but never asked why. I lost my boyfriend but most importantly I lost my best friend. I learned then.. that all good things must come to an end.
And then finally, there’s him. The most unfortunate of them all because he deals with everything. To the pains of unrequited love, to disillusionment, to insecurities, regrets. He’s the one constantly picking up your pieces. But he’s nothing you ever expected.. Nothing you’d ever think you deserve. He’s patient, understanding, and everything you are not.
You’ll find piece’s of each of your past relationships in him. He is all of them combined in one. He will be ignorant, and not know what he’s doing, but you’ll love him anyways. Sometimes all you’ll have is silence and intimacy, and that’s okay because silence is just as beautiful as when he speaks and You will bask in this solace of his touch.
Inevitably, He will hurt you.. Because he’s human. But you will continue to love him anyways because all good in him outweighs the bad. He will make you feel beautiful, he will say sweet words, he will be your perfect amount of romantic. You will doubt him and compare him to others, but that’s okay. Because he will continuously prove you wrong and reassure you. You will never have to pretend around him. He sees all your flaws but loves you anyways. He will not only be your lover but your best friend.. And when you try to let him go, he will ask why, and convince you otherwise to stay.. And you do stay, and find that in no time, your 4th year anniversary is just around the corner.
But what he will teach you will surpass anything that you’ve ever come to realize in all your other relationships. He will teach you why it never worked out with anyone else.. He will show you, That in life, you must exhaust the possibilities before finding the final solution. He will be your final solution. You’ll realize that he may not be perfect, but he is perfect for you… And you would have never realized that if it weren’t for the ones that came before. And although good things may come to and end, it’s okay.
Those endings just open up a space for new beginnings.
To my 1 present and future: You are everything. Thank you.
This is something I don’t fully understand.
Is it by sacrificing certain things?
Is it by working hard and getting where you truly want to be?
Is it by working hard to get where you don’t really want to be, but believing that what you accomplish is beneficial for your future? I get…
I honestly feel this. As much as I hate to admit, my career-choice was only arbitrarily sought after. I hate my job. I went to school for this. Extremely excited. I was literally handed this job only to find myself 4 months later, crying to manager begging to quit. I can’t say that this is a success story at all. But I am proud to say I’ve tried and it’s something to check off my list. Am I happy? Hell no. But I tried.
I found this quote that I hold close to, maybe you can to.
"if it is unappetizing, do not eat, date or sign up for it. If the mere thought of it is depressing: do not major in it, sit through it, or devote your life to it. If it is not important to you: Do not do it only because it is important to someone else. You will thank yourself."
You wrote that the definition of success is, “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose." To me, Success itself should not be anyone’s aim nor purpose. Your job, your "title," the amount of figures you make does not measure you successful. The only thing a job should do, regardless of your title, is get you to that purpose. Your job is merely a stepping stone.
I know exactly what it is with this whole, “need-for-success” or “career-obsessed” fallacy. What is it? It’s to save themselves from embarrassment. People thirst for that title because they are too ashamed to settle for anything less.
"So what do you do for a living?"
You want to hold your head up high, you want people to hear… Doctor. Pharmacist. Lawyer. Accountant. Engineer. That was my mistake. I chose this career so I had something decent to say. To say, “Yes, that’s me. I work in a pharmacy.” and We want our one-day family to do just the same, to be proud and say… “Yes. That’s my mom. That’s my wife. she works in a pharmacy”
Society says it’s wrong to be a janitor. To be a maid… That In order to provide you need to be THIS. What about the important things..?
"What do you do for a living?"
"I have time for my family."
"I have enough."
So, how do I measure success? My father cleaned hotel rooms for $15 an hour for more than 20 years. He was a housekeeper. His purpose was to provide. He did not have to be a doctor. He did not have to be a lawyer. He did not have to be an accountant. He was a housekeeper and he provided not just money or food or clothes but, his job allowed him to provide his time. A chance to be home. (and honestly, who the hell has time anymore because of work?)
Jobs do not provide; hard work does. And my father is one of the most successful people I know.
I may sound a bit radical in my approach but coming from someone who knows in her heart that what she chose isn’t for her, I am saying, to do you. Do what’s important to you. Try things, make mistakes, fail, check it off your list and then try again. Time is no issue. Do you. If its for the money, don’t do it. If its for the title, don’t do it. Do it because its important. Because it’s right. And more importantly, do it because He knows you can.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." -Matthew 6:33
(Excerpt from my journal)
I have to say, you have been one of the most bittersweet tasting 365 days of my existence. Despite all my past obscurities and expectations of you, you have revealed to me my full potential and self control. There have been handfuls of my highest-highs and shares of my lowest-lows, but praise God I’m still standing.
This inner-goddess has been presented to me, and the level of my once non-existent self-worth has increased significantly. Though many tears have been shed this year, I have found this ability to dictate the validity in each bad situation as worth my time, or not. Which in my understanding, has to be the best part.
I find myself smiling more. Thanking God, rather than asking why. I have my education. I have my career. I have an out-of-this-world beautiful, outrageous, love. I find pure solace in those who understand me. I have my God who loves and forgives me. Am I happy? I cannot honestly say so, however, contended? Very much so.
Thank you 2013. This is a cheers to the new year, to living my life without past influences, heartaches and struggles. To loving others as I love Him. To loving myself. To letting go of a mind that screams negativity; but instead inhaling each breath with thanksgiving, saying “Thank you, Lord, for this Wonderful life.”
No longer will I be numbed by past hurts, or kept silent. I will be resilient for no one but my own, surpassing whatever judgement is smeared across me. I will smile with gratitude; with thoughts of each individual affirmation I hold true.
I will have no expectations of you, 2014. I will not squint my eyes nor put on foreseeing spectacles to focus on whatever blur you hold front of me, but will welcome each coming with open arms. Thank you in advance.
Maricres Santa Ana
"Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." -Brad Paisley
2. It is okay to not know. Everyone always despises the phrase, “I don’t know” but no one tells you that it is okay to not know. The becoming is more important than the being, anyways.
3. If someone ever makes you feel less, in any way, you have every right to walk away. You have every right to cut out toxic people in your life. To close the door on people who make you feel bad about who you are or what you stand for. Friends don’t tear down, they build up.
4. Loss is always going to happen. Just like paint will always chip and rain will always fall, loss will always be part of life. No matter how much I don’t like it, or avoid it, it is going to walk my way at several times in my life. Learn to embrace it and learn to get closure.
5. Give yourself a chance. Stop saying, “I don’t think I can” or “But what if I am not able to?” and give yourself a chance. This may be cliche, but try to believe in yourself. When you get older, your knees won’t work the same and you won’t have the best memory, and you are going to wish you’d given yourself a chance years sooner.
6. Fall in love. Don’t be guarded before you fall in love. You could fall in love three times and still not find the right one, but none of it is going to make “the one” matter less. Don’t fall into that idea that your first love has to be your best love. Fall in love as many times as it naturally happens.
7. Firsts are going to be messy. First loves, first kisses, first dates, first failed tests, first college class, first time you drive a car, first time you ride a plane - first times were made to be imperfect. Just because it’s messy and all over the place, doesn’t mean it can’t be good or worthwhile.
8. You want another scoop of ice-cream? Go get it. Get three more scoops of ice-cream if that is what you want. “Fat” is not the opposite of beautiful and it is not the opposite of happy. Don’t let anyone tell you that your body type isn’t beautiful. Beauty is a social construct, create your own, become your own.
9. Let yourself be alone. Loneliness is not a bad thing. It is healthy and normal. Everyone needs to spend a good portion of their life alone. We learn who we are when we are alone; life is less crowded and more clear when we are alone.
10. If you aren’t happy where you are, change it. Quit your job, move, become a vegetarian, get a new hobby, pick up an old hobby, whatever you do - make sure it benefits you. Life is too short to not be alive, to not be passionate, and overflowing.
— Amanda Helm - Ten things I learned before I turned twenty (via impetrate)
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa